Feeling desperately sad

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Bahnstormer_vRS
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Feeling desperately sad

Post by Bahnstormer_vRS »

I'm not the most lucid and eloquent of wordsmiths, so this post has not been the easiest for me to write.


I have, from time to time here on the forum, advocated that ‘a problem shared, is a problem halved’ and I now feel, having thought long and hard over recent months, that it is time for me to share my ‘problem’.

We all have our trials and tribulations during life, of varying natures, to varying degrees and at varying times, with probably the most heart rending being the loss of a loved one.

My wife, Sue, had stage 4 Breast Cancer 14+ years ago, sorted at the time with a mastectomy and removal of lymph nodes together with a course of Chemotherapy and radiotherapy. After an appropriate length of time she was given the ‘all clear’; although as we all should know, one is never ‘all clear’ with cancer; just that you haven’t got it right now, but it may rear up and bite back at any time in the future.

Early last year Sue began to feel unwell. This time last year it was diagnosed that her cancer had gone secondary into her bones and she embarked on treatment. In October we learnt that it had progressed to her liver & lymph nodes. She was doing quite well over the winter, feeling well enough to go out and about with me, a pub lunch here, a trip to Hitchin for a coffee and a browse around shops, including a favourite jeweller of hers there, coffee with 'The Girls' (former teaching colleagues) etc.. I enjoyed these trips.

However, she developed an infection in mid-March and was admitted to hospital.

Unfortunately, after each attempt to cure the infection with antibiotics, it reoccurred. Additionally, her cancer had continued to progress to an irrecoverable degree.

Sadly, on the afternoon of Thursday 12th April, when I was with her, she took her last breath and passed away.

Desperately sad, but I'm so glad I was there, with her and for her. It was so peaceful and she was a 'Sleeping Beauty' to the end. God bless.


Both my parents died, separately, during 2011. They had been, broadly, fit and well living beyond four score years and passed away unexpectedly. Yes, they were Mum and Dad and I loved them dearly and miss them loads, but it’s different when your companion, friend and loved one, with whom you have lived your life for nearly 35 years, leaves you; together with the drawn out nature of being unwell for such a time.

We met at a party, as one does, whilst I was in Germany with the Army and Sue was a Teacher in a Forces School. Not long after, I left the Army and returned home to UK, at the same time Sue’s Teaching Contract came to an end; so she left too and joined me in UK. She was, after a couple of terms teaching in North London, able to get a position in the Primary School in the village in Hertfordshire where I lived, and we decided to buy a house together.

However, it was not done in those days, for a Primary School Teacher to live, with a partner, unmarried in the village where she was teaching. We got married. That was 32 years ago.

We went to Northumberland in the Autumn ’87 (school half term), for a short holiday, fell in love with the area (Countryside, beaches and Castles) and made it our default summer holiday location for the next 21 years, staying in the same house in Craster. (Northumberland seems to be a popular destination for forum members too. It used to be a somewhat undiscovered destination when we first went there, but no longer these days no thanks to Alnwick Castle being used in the Harry Potter films).

In the early years we thought of retiring there, but later decided to stay put in Hertfordshire. Nevertheless, we romanticised about eventually having our ashes scattered at sea off the coast of Northumberland from a Mackerel fishing boat. This I will be doing for Sue in a few weeks’ time.

We celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary taking a cruise around the Scottish Western Isles on the Hebridean Princess. A most memorable holiday, such that we had planned and booked a second cruise to celebrate my retirement, both hips being replaced and Prostate Cancer operation, for September last year; but didn’t make it with Sue being unwell. SAGA Travel insurance were wonderful issuing a full refund of our (fairly substantial) deposit, within a few days.

Throughout Sue’s illness the NHS staff at Lister Hospital, Stevenage were brilliant. Professional, caring and just plain excellent. Towards the end it was hoped that Sue might be transferred to Garden House Hospice, Letchworth. Sadly circumstances conspired against. The facilities of Garden House are nevertheless available to me and our son for support in the future.

Garden House Hospice Care provides a wide range of services for patients, their carers, and families facing a life limiting illness. Free specialist palliative care is provided for over 500 adults a year living with advanced cancer, motor neurone disease or other life limiting illness in our community of 230,000 people in North Hertfordshire, Stevenage, Royston and surrounding villages.

They need to raise over £3 million in total income every year so that they can run their services. Donations are invited to be made to Graden House Hospice. Please give generously.

As I wrote at the outset of this post, I have thought long and hard over recent months about whether and when to write this.

A few weeks ago everything was very raw. I have calmed down somewhat since and now feel more comfortable, or at least as comfortable as ever one can be in the circumstances, and at ease with the situation. Our son Michael still lives at home and works locally. It has been a great comfort for both of us to have each other close at hand to support; not forgetting Davie (our Greyhound), who is forever curled up on the sofa of an evening, being available for cuddles.

I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll close now with the following quote of a post of mine from the evening of 12th April.
Bahnstormer_vRS wrote:Listened to this several times LOUD, shortly after getting home this afternoon.



One of my favourite Bonamassa tracks and very poignant and memorable for today.

Guy
This track will be played as the Exit music at Sue’s funeral.

Guy
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And in short measures, life may perfect bee. - Ben Jonson (1572 – 1637)

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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by angusbon »

Guy, I am so, so sad to hear of your loss.
Your post was extremely moving but I thank you for sharing.
Please accept my heartfelt condolences

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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by Karrusel »

I'm saddened to hear of your loss, Guy.

My thoughts & condolences to you & your family.

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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by scooter »

So very sorry to hear this sad, sad news.

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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by josbrownlie »

Thank you for sharing. It can't have been easy. Very interesting and inspirational words. My thoughts and prayers are with you
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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by UsefulG »

I'm sorry for your loss Guy.
I lost my Dad to a very sudden and short illness and whilst it hit hard I can't imagine how it feels to lose a partner.
I am not a demonstrative person by nature and didn't really talk about my feelings for a long time and I wish I had. Don't keep it bottled up and don't be afraid to ask for help, we are taught as men to have a stiff upper lip and get on with it but if you need to talk then don't be afraid to ask.
Some days will feel better than others but just put one foot in front of the other and it will get better.
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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by Amor Vincit Omnia »

Well done on making that post, Guy. I realise how difficult it will have been. Those of us who were privileged to be taken into your confidence throughout this painful journey can now commiserate and express their sympathy openly. This I now do, and right willingly.

You have been very much in my thoughts, though I did not wish to invade your space and your grief to keep reminding you of it. Your conduct of “normal forum business” has been remarkable in the circumstances. But I’m sure that as this thread grows you will see in full bloom the wonderful support that always comes to the fore at times like this.

Thoughts and prayers with you and yours, my dear chap.
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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by Korkki »

Guy, I'm sorry for your loss

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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by FloridaPhil »

Oh Guy, I'm so very sad for your loss. Having been there, I can only tell you that the pain does eventually ease but the good times, memories and love lives on.
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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by downer »

A very courageous post, Guy. I have thought a lot about your situation over the past weeks, and staring now at my own wife, Jo (asleep on the sofa of our holiday cottage, after a long walk), I cannot imagine the pain of your loss.

I look forward to meeting you in the future, and as said already, if you need anything, just shout.
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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by missF »

guy - i'm so glad you found the space and the words to share this with the forum. you did it so eloquently, and i'm so moved by what you wrote. love and courage for the journey from me.
watching you fail in your quest for a “one watch” has been great entertainment
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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by tempusmaximus »

I am very sorry to hear of your loss Guy . My thoughts are with you .
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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by Tyke »

Hi Guy

No words can truly express the loss you must be feeling but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Best wishes
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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by smegwina »

Well done Guy on managing to write this one. It won't get any harder than this.

The courage and strength you have shown over the last year has been remarkable, and as Steve says, it has been truly astonishing seeing you maintaining the roles of husband, carer, father and indeed moderator with such strength and dignity.

You already know my thoughts and feelings on everything but I want to offer again my condolences, thoughts and prayers.

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Re: Feeling despearately sad

Post by Caller »

A very moving and loving tale, I am truly sorry to hear of your loss.
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