Jokes to cheer us up

Here you can post stuff that is not related to Christopher Ward
User avatar
TigerChris
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 3244
Joined: Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:51 pm
CW-watches: 1

Jokes to cheer us up

Post by TigerChris »

I know theres already a bit of a fun thread with 'topical cartoons', but I thought maybe a jokes thread may put a smile on some peoples faces. I'll start us off with a few topical ones, but any could be posted here. I'll do my best to keep mine 'semi clean' mods, I promise!
User avatar
TigerChris
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 3244
Joined: Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:51 pm
CW-watches: 1

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by TigerChris »

Well I've just done a full check around the house while the lockdown is on:-

The Cooker - That's working

The Vacuum Cleaner - That's working

The Washing machine - That's working

The Dryer - That's Working

The Kitchen Sink Taps - They are Working Also

I can't figure it out - I can't understand why she says she's bored!
User avatar
TigerChris
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 3244
Joined: Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:51 pm
CW-watches: 1

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by TigerChris »

Nail Salons - Closed

Lash Salons - Closed

Hair Salons - Closed

Tanning Salons - Closed

Waxing Salons - Closed

It's about to get UGLY out there Lads, so please stay safe!!!
User avatar
TigerChris
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 3244
Joined: Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:51 pm
CW-watches: 1

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by TigerChris »

The only way for a couple to have an 'afternoon quickie' in Lockdown with their 8 year old son around was to send him out on the balcony with a mars bar to eat and tell him to take his time eating it and also to shout through any reports on any activity in the street.

So, while having their quickie, their son started shouting out reports to them;

"An Ambulance has just gone by"

"The Andersons have just had a delivery from Asda"

"Matty is on his Bike"

"Looks like the Sanders have gone into full lockdown"

"Harrison's mum is telling him off"

After a few seconds, he announced "The Coopers are Sh**ging"

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed and Dad called out, "How Do You Know That" ?

His son responded, "Jimmy Cooper's on the balcony eating a Mars Bar" !!!!
User avatar
H0rati0
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 2314
Joined: Wed Jun 27, 2018 7:49 am
CW-watches: 4
Location: Alpenvorland

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by H0rati0 »

What goes well with Corona virus? Lime disease.

That's clean, isn't it?
"There is no beginning to enlightenment and no end to training" - Dogen Zenji (1200-1253)
Soporsche
Trusted Seller
Trusted Seller
Posts: 1921
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2016 10:22 am
CW-watches: 9
Location: London

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by Soporsche »

Welcome back Chris... It didn't take long, im smiling! 😁👍
Stephen

A few CWs and other brands
User avatar
TigerChris
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 3244
Joined: Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:51 pm
CW-watches: 1

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by TigerChris »

Soporsche wrote: Fri May 01, 2020 12:07 am Welcome back Chris... It didn't take long, im smiling! 😁👍
Cheers pal, hope all is well. Heres another for you, hope it makes you smile!


We are now several weeks into self isolation and it's really upsetting me to witness our lass standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this.

I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up.

I have even considered letting her in.... but rules are rules !!
User avatar
gaf1958
Trusted Seller
Trusted Seller
Posts: 12431
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2012 6:24 am
CW-watches: 24
Location: ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ 'ʇsɐoƆ ǝuᴉɥsunS

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by gaf1958 »

Welcome back my lad! I like your last comment about letting the wife back in best of all; the punchline was not expected. :)
CW C1+2xC3+6xC6/60K+C7+C11+3xC60T+2xC65+C90+2xC600
Omega Ω 11xSpeedy+14xSeamaster+4xConnie+DeVille
Cartier+2xPanerai+2xFarer+2xOris+Sinn+11xSeiko+ManyVintage
B&R+Halios+5xVisitor+TagH+6xTissot+2xZelos+4xCertina+more
Family12xCW+2xΩ+Cartier
User avatar
TheBeatles
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 2578
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 8:36 am
CW-watches: 6
Location: England

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by TheBeatles »

Did you see the report where women have been asked to surrender their old bras to make into face masks.

But...to only use the left cup. Apparently no one wants to go out looking like a right tit!!!
Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night. Be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels, Frank Sinatra

All You Need Is Love, The Beatles

Too much of anything is bad. But too much of good whiskey is barely enough, Mark Twain
User avatar
nbg
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 13035
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 6:43 pm
CW-watches: 14
Location: UK

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by nbg »

Lockdown lingo - are you fully conversant with the new terminology? :D

*Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.


*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.


*Le Creuset wrist*
It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.


*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.


*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.


*Coronadose*
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.


*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.


*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.


*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker”.


*Goutbreak*
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.


*Antisocial distancing*
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.


*Coughin’ dodger*
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.


*Mask-ara*
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.


*Covid-10*
The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve”

Neil
Other watch forums of interest:
TZ-UK
User avatar
TigerChris
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 3244
Joined: Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:51 pm
CW-watches: 1

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by TigerChris »

gaf1958 wrote: Fri May 01, 2020 2:49 am Welcome back my lad! I like your last comment about letting the wife back in best of all; the punchline was not expected. :)
Hope you are well down there, Gary :thumbup:
User avatar
gaf1958
Trusted Seller
Trusted Seller
Posts: 12431
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2012 6:24 am
CW-watches: 24
Location: ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ 'ʇsɐoƆ ǝuᴉɥsunS

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by gaf1958 »

TigerChris wrote:
gaf1958 wrote: Fri May 01, 2020 2:49 am Welcome back my lad! I like your last comment about letting the wife back in best of all; the punchline was not expected. :)
Hope you are well down there, Gary :thumbup:
Yes mate! All good here.
My long planned six month trip to the UK and other worldly places lasted all of nine days before they booted us off the ship and sent us home with our tails between our legs... where we’ve been for roughly the last six weeks or so.
CW C1+2xC3+6xC6/60K+C7+C11+3xC60T+2xC65+C90+2xC600
Omega Ω 11xSpeedy+14xSeamaster+4xConnie+DeVille
Cartier+2xPanerai+2xFarer+2xOris+Sinn+11xSeiko+ManyVintage
B&R+Halios+5xVisitor+TagH+6xTissot+2xZelos+4xCertina+more
Family12xCW+2xΩ+Cartier
User avatar
magicman
Trusted Seller
Trusted Seller
Posts: 3837
Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:45 pm
CW-watches: 2
Location: Loughton, Essex

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by magicman »

I went out and bought some strong cans of lager, i was sick down my front, but i couldn't tell the wife i was drunk, so i decided to turn up with a £20 note in my hand and say, a drunk had been sick on me and had given me £20 for the dry cleaning bill.
My wife asked why i had £20 in the other hand.
"That's off the fella, who messed my pants" i said.

Regards/Apolodgies Steve
Selling
CW C8 Revival

CW 12 Glacier Blue
User avatar
Amor Vincit Omnia
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 33584
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2011 7:34 pm
CW-watches: 4
Location: Norfolk, UK

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by Amor Vincit Omnia »

^^^^EEEEUUUUWWWW! :lol:
Steve
Linguist; retired teacher; pilgrim; apprentice travel writer

Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints, kill nothing but time


Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. (Max Ehrmann)
User avatar
Thegreyman
Trusted Seller
Trusted Seller
Posts: 12023
Joined: Sat May 21, 2016 3:45 pm
CW-watches: 6
Location: Edinburgh

Re: Jokes to cheer us up

Post by Thegreyman »

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation...

Call the Pro Claimers NOW!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Patrick

C60 Pro 300, C60 Sunrise, C63 Sealander Lucerne blue LE, C65 Dartmouth, W11 Amelia (wife), C63 Sealander (son)

Some others + a few on the way
  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post