This tickled me.

Regards Steve

Just take one and scoff?

Des

A young lion was feeling proud and boastful and keen to demonstrate his prowess to the world at large. As he sauntered across the veldt he spied a group of meerkats standing on their hind legs and looking around nervously.

“Hey, meerkats, who is the king of the beasts?” roared the lion.

“Oh, you are the king, lion!” they replied as one, and immediately dived into their burrows to seek sanctuary.

Feeling buoyed up by this experience, the lion strolled on and soon spied a group of springboks feeding.

“Hey, springboks, who is the king of the beasts?” roared the lion.

“Oh, you are the king, lion!” shouted the springboks as they pronked away rapidly through the long grass.

Now feeling unstoppable and not a little reckless, the lion soon spied an elephant breakfasting on a tree.

“Hey, elephant, who is the king of the beasts?” roared the lion.

Jumbo munched another branch.

“Did you hear me?” roared the lion. “I said, who is the king of the beasts?”

“I heard you,” said the elephant through a mouthful of vegetation.

“Well then,” screamed the furious lion, edging right up to the elephant, “WHO IS THE KING OF THE BEASTS?”

Quick as a flash the elephant’s trunk whipped around, wrapped itself round the startled lion and flipped him into the air. He landed yards away on a rock, bruising a few ribs as well as his pride.

Thinking quickly the lion retorted, “OK, elephant, no need to get angry if you don’t know the answer!”

The elephant turned, farted magnificently and fragrantly in the lion’s general direction and lumbered off. A couple of hundred yards later he turned, trumpeted loudly and then bellowed:

“I knew the answer all along, lion! I was just foolin’ with ya!”

THE CYNICAL PHILOSOPHER:

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds. I've gained since then.

♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.
Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Santa is being henpecked by Mrs C. He’s just a subordinate Claus.

Good news, though. This year he’s inviting his brother, who is a relative Claus.

They may even visit their sick uncle, who is an embedded Claus.

edited. I thought I had edited this to add another line, but it actually got posted twice.

I had my haircut yesterday. I went in and told the hairdresser I needed my hair cutting badly, and he did cut it badly.

He told me my hair was getting thin, but I said "who wants fat hair?"

These Santa jokes are driving me mad!!………


I need a Sanity Claus!!

^^^^
Hey. Chico told you there no "sanity clause".

Neil

Not sure if you class this as a joke but it certainly made me laugh, went for a walk along the North Norfolk coast this morning. Stopped off in a lovely little village pub for a bite to eat after our walk, whilst at the bar a lady walked in....
Lady...do you serve hot drinks?
Landlord...yes
Lady...could I have an earl grey tea?
Landlord...no, we do tea
Lady...ok and an Americano please
Landlord...is that a black coffee?
Lady...yes but with milk
Landlord...so you want a coffee?
At that point I had to go back to our table trying not to laugh out loud
Honestly this really happened
My stake and ale pie was bloody good

^^^^
You're a funny guy. North Norfolk. Coffee must be a new thing.

If you break down in an electric car, use the AA. Unless it’s a really small electric car, then you have to use the AAA.

But if you break down in a small electric car in Liverpool, you have to use the AAA Calm down, Calm down!