I think I'm anexoric. When I look in the bedroom mirror when I'm getting dressed, I think I look fat.

I did look in the bedroom mirror this morning. I noticed I was putting on weight and my hair was getting very thin. I asked my wife to say something nice, and she said "your eyesight's still good!"

I'm sat on the toilet, getting very angry, and late for work.
"I don't have time for this S*** "

Regards Steve

My wife has accused me of ruining her birthday.
Ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.

Regards Steve

Two cowboys crossing the desert, not eaten for days when in the distance they see a tree with bacon hanging from the branches
They race towards the tree, only to cut down in a hail of bullets
With his last breath one of the cowboys said to the other
It’s not a bacon tree it’s a ham bush

I asked my wife, "Am I, the only one you've ever been with ?"

""Yes, all the rest were Nines or Tens"
She replied !!


Regards Steve

I just saw an expensive sports car being driven by a sheep wearing a swimming costume.

It was a Lamb-bikini.

I bought myself a gorgeous pirate's watch, that's right, pirate's watch. It has a gorgeous domed crystal with a fabulous 'oooo-aaahhh' coating.

Des

I've just bought a telepathicaly controlled air freshener.
Makes scents, when you think about it.

Regards Steve

Most people are shocked when I tell them I'm not an electrician.

Not a joke exactly, but maybe still good for a laugh.

So I told this tale to my kids in class while doing a quick review of Renaissance art. I put up an image of da Vinci’s The Last Supper and spun this tale:

Here is da Vinci’s take on the last supper shared by Christ and his disciples. If you take a look at Jesus in the center, you’ll see him gesturing. The waiter has just brought the bill, which Jesus is pointing to with a certain measure of disgust as he asks “Who ordered wine? Why would anyone order wine?!” and his disciples all turn away trying to dodge their share of the bill.

I thought it was hilarious, but it was met by crickets. It went right over their heads. Today a student told me she told her parents that story, and they thought it was hilarious.

^^^ Singles holiday. Large group in restaurant. Post-bill débâcle (always happens!)

Shall we just split it thirteen ways, guys?

No way, because some of us didn’t have a starter!

You had a side of onion rings, didn’t you?.

Yeah, but I only had the ice-cream for dessert, and others had sticky toffee pudding.

I don’t KNOW where the nearest ATM is!

Why don’t we ask for separate bills?

Because it will take ages.

Anyone got change for a fifty?

And so on…

I was struggling, to get my wife to pay me attention.
So I sat down on the sofa and got comfortable, that did the trick !

Regards Steve