I shared a cab home from the Casino with a pal the other night, as I had a lucky win, I sprung for the cab.
I told my mate to sort the driver out "A drink"
He popped a teabag in the cabbies top pocket.

Regards Steve

Why do the French like eating snails ?

Because they don't like fast food .

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends ?

Because he's a pain in the neck .

A wife asked her husband , " What do you like most about me , my pretty face , my eyes or my body ?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied " I like your sense of humour !"

I heard it as,

This morning my wife asked me, "What do you like most about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

I replied, "Your sense of humour."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said "I would like to come back as a cow".

I said "You're obviously not listening".

My wife finally left me. Had a huge blow-up, with her complaining that I spend too much time doing nothing but watching football. I have to confess that I am absolutely devastated. We've been together for 14 seasons.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the ladies football team ?

Because she always ran away from the ball .

Husband " When I get mad at you , you never argue back . How do you control your anger ?"

Wife " I clean the toilet "

Husband " How does that help "

Wife " I use your toothbrush "

How do you communicate with a fish ?

Drop him a line .

What do you call a pig that does Karate ?

Pork chop .

A boy asks his father, " Dad , are bugs good to eat ?" that's disgusting . Don't talk about things like that over dinner " , the dad replies .

After dinner the father asks , " Now son , what did you want to ask me ?"

"Oh nothing" the boy says . "There was a big bug in your soup , but now its gone " .

If tomato's are fruit , then ketchup must be a smoothie

You may have seen this but an incredibly funny & cute video to cheer us up on a Monday
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-china-39097813