How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Here you can post stuff that is not related to Christopher Ward
User avatar
ItsAliveJim
Trusted Seller
Trusted Seller
Posts: 7737
Joined: Mon Nov 12, 2012 4:07 pm

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by ItsAliveJim »

A man walks in to a bar and asks for a pint. The barman brings over the beer and a bowl of nuts. The man asks if there's a ciggie machine and the barman directs him across the pub.

As the man is counting out his change at the machine he hears someone talking: "What's your problem mush? Yeah you, you fat, ugly git. I can't believe you've got the nerve to walk the streets you're so wrong. Did you fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down?"

The man looks puzzled and a bit shocked and goes back to the bar to have a much-needed drink. As he's sipping his pint and eating some nuts, he hears another voice: "Well hello sir. My, you're looking fine today. Are you a model? Filmstar? The way you carry yourself must have the women falling at your feet sir? I suppose you get tired of all the attention, but you really are the best looking man we've had in here for a long time."

By this time the bloke's ready to lose it so he calls the barman over. "Excuse me, am I going mad? I keep hearing these voices."

"Oh yeah," says the barman. "The cigarette machine's out of order and the nuts are complimentary."



I'll, er, just get me coat …
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What the hell is he building in there?" Tom Waits
User avatar
Rick
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 1667
Joined: Sat Jan 27, 2007 3:01 am
CW-watches: 8
LE-one: yes
Location: Gateway to the South

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by Rick »

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches

into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out

a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal

a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also

unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,

replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches

out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great

shout go up outside, followed by an even greater

shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the

chemist’s and addresses the proprietor, this time

with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one."
C5AKS - C7 Rapide - C4IPK - C6T3 - C6 Forum LE - W6 Splash - C8SWT - C70 DBR1
Breitling Hercules - Omega SMP - Boschett Cave Dweller - Seiko Monster - Porsche Design P'6310
Tissot Sea Touch - Oris Pro Diver - Dreyfuss 1925 - Tissot V8 - Deep Blue Pro Sun
User avatar
Rick
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 1667
Joined: Sat Jan 27, 2007 3:01 am
CW-watches: 8
LE-one: yes
Location: Gateway to the South

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by Rick »

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?



Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
C5AKS - C7 Rapide - C4IPK - C6T3 - C6 Forum LE - W6 Splash - C8SWT - C70 DBR1
Breitling Hercules - Omega SMP - Boschett Cave Dweller - Seiko Monster - Porsche Design P'6310
Tissot Sea Touch - Oris Pro Diver - Dreyfuss 1925 - Tissot V8 - Deep Blue Pro Sun
User avatar
lloyd_m
Senior Guru
Senior Guru
Posts: 683
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2009 7:04 pm
CW-watches: 4
Location: Hertfordshire

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by lloyd_m »

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The Englishman says 'in my pub in London, if you order a pint of bitter they give you another one to go with it'. The Scotsman says 'that's nothing. In my pub in Edinburgh, if you order a pint of heavy they give you a wee dram to go with it'. The Irishman says 'well, if you go to my bar in Dublin you only need to buy a half of cider. After that you don't have to buy another drink all night, and at the end of the evening you get a right good s**g'. The barman says 'did that happen to you then?'. 'No', says the Irishman, 'but it happened to my sister'.
User avatar
Aifo
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 3003
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2011 4:53 am
CW-watches: 8
LE-three: yes
LE-fourb: yes
Location: Hong Kong

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by Aifo »

Had to share this with you, I don't know what if this is not a joke

Image

Disclaimer: my taste is bad, but not THIS bad
Incoming: 0
User avatar
Helix Von Smelix
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 4002
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2010 4:41 pm
CW-watches: 108
Location: Berkshire

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by Helix Von Smelix »

Aifo wrote:Had to share this with you, I don't know what if this is not a joke

Image

Disclaimer: my taste is bad, but not THIS bad
You're not wrong, that shirt should not go with those jeans. :silent:
User avatar
Rick
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 1667
Joined: Sat Jan 27, 2007 3:01 am
CW-watches: 8
LE-one: yes
Location: Gateway to the South

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by Rick »

Quickie in the Bushes.


There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a path way for a hundred years, when one day an angel
comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the
two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' she eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.



This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'



AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
C5AKS - C7 Rapide - C4IPK - C6T3 - C6 Forum LE - W6 Splash - C8SWT - C70 DBR1
Breitling Hercules - Omega SMP - Boschett Cave Dweller - Seiko Monster - Porsche Design P'6310
Tissot Sea Touch - Oris Pro Diver - Dreyfuss 1925 - Tissot V8 - Deep Blue Pro Sun
User avatar
JAG
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 1322
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2013 1:43 am
CW-watches: 0
Location: On the Earth , we are all humans

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by JAG »

My wife had a 'near death' experience today....

Silly WOMEN thought she could Hoover while the F1 was on!
My spelling & Grammar stinks i no you don't have to PM me to Explain ! :-)
User avatar
dtotheweed
Senior
Senior
Posts: 91
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2013 12:58 am
CW-watches: 0
Location: Indianapolis, IN

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by dtotheweed »

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my BMW!" he whined pathetically.

"You lawyers are so materialistic it's embarrassing," retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

The lawyer became even more upset when he noticed the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. In hysterics, he cried out, "Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?!"

;)
Derek

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."
-Da Vinci
User avatar
dtotheweed
Senior
Senior
Posts: 91
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2013 12:58 am
CW-watches: 0
Location: Indianapolis, IN

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by dtotheweed »

Rick wrote:I was at my bank today; there was a short queue. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
Perfect!
Derek

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."
-Da Vinci
User avatar
AliBar
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 1053
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2009 8:37 pm
LE-two: yes
LE-three: yes
LE-foura: yes
LE-fourb: yes
Location: Up Hill, Down Dale

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by AliBar »

Not necessarily jokes but loosely humour. Then end of a very long and dismally bad day at work was "lightened" by a discussion on accidental web addresses. Some are old, some were new to me, all are allegedly real - but I haven't bothered checking them out. It caused some childish sniggers :lol: :lol: .

Add any more :thumbup: .

whorepresents.com
Who Represents - a data­base for agencies to the rich and famous:

expertsexchange.com
The Experts Exchange - a know­ledge base for programmers to exchange advice and views:

Look no further than “Pen Island”:
penisland.net

powergenitalia.com
An Italian Power company:

And the Mole Station Nursery, based in New South Wales:
molestationnursery.com

Need some therapy ? Try:
therapistfinder.com

cocksnipplesandflanges.com
Something to do with household plumbing rather than a fetish habit.

speedofart.com
Not an accident in your swimming trunks, but presumably some fast pictures.

gotahoe.com
"Go Tahoe" not a request for a gardening implement.

goredforwomen.org
Yeah, suppose to be “go red for women”

dollarsexchange.com
Cheaper than a vasectomy but maybe a bit too radical, especially if you were only looking for currency rates..

****.com
Not sure even my musical tastes are this bad...

Wintersexpress.com
Winter Sex Press???. No, wait… Winters Express…

ferrethandjobs.com
Actually a law firm of Messrs Ferreth & Jobs
Alastair.

Double Member of the C80 Owners Club
User avatar
daveodz
Expert
Expert
Posts: 232
Joined: Thu May 30, 2013 8:25 pm
CW-watches: 10
Location: Loughborough, Leics.

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by daveodz »

This is a joke my wife sent me!! :problem:

My husband is a generous man as he bought our eldest child and Ipad, the youngest and Ipod Touch, himself an Iphone 5S and me an Iron.

I was not impressed, even after he explained it can be integrated with the Iwash, Icook and Iclean network.

This triggered the Inag service which totally wiped out the Ishag function!

David
33 Watches
2 Dogs
4 Cars
500 Scalextric Cars
2 Daughters
1 Wife
2 Grandsons
1 Grandaugther
...............No money left!!!
theaub
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 3241
Joined: Fri May 08, 2009 3:47 pm
CW-watches: 0

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by theaub »

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: 'How do you drive this thing?"
theaub
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 3241
Joined: Fri May 08, 2009 3:47 pm
CW-watches: 0

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by theaub »

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar. The barman says: 'Is this a joke?"
User avatar
smegwina
Senior Forumgod
Senior Forumgod
Posts: 11771
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 10:04 am
CW-watches: 11

Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by smegwina »

Horse walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face?"
  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post