Yoda wrote:A woman goes to the pet shop to buy a parrot. there are 3, one @ £200, one @ £100 and the last one is £10!
So she asks why the third one is so cheep? and gets told, "It used to work in a brothel, so tends to be a bit rude sometimes"
The woman decides that she can re train the parrot, so buys it and takes it home.
Once home she takes the cover off the cage and the parrot says "Oh great, a new brothel!" The woman laughs,
and says "no, your new HOME"
A bit later the two daughters come over to see the parrot, and the parrot says
"Oh great, two new prossies!!!"
The girls both laugh, and say, "no!! we're the two daughters Mary and Beth"
About an hour later the Man of the house comes home.........
And the Parrot says " Hiya Dave, fancy meeting you here!!!"
A man visits his local golf course and cant find anyyone to play a round with.
In walks a leggy blond and asks him if he wants to play.
Adding a wager to try and tempt him.
"If you win i will give you £1000, but if i win you have to make love to me"
Being a Married Man he thinks about it (for a second) and desperate to play his beloved game agrees.
He plays a great round, but the blonde beats him and he has to make love to her.Which she insists he must do Blindfolded.
This goes on all week and he continues to lose.
On Friday the Barman at the clubhouse calls him over and drops a bombshell on him.
"i am embarrassed to say,but the blonde youve been losing to all week is in fact a Transvestite"
"Oh my god"! exclaims the man and imediatley heads over to confront Her. Sorry Him
"you lousy,good for nothing,dirty animal,Youve been playing off the Ladies tees all week"!!!!!!!
Steve
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, I think it's wonderful that, after all these years you still call your wife those loving pet names.
The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said...............
Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bat what it is.
Kip
"Asylum Administrator"
Visit the CWArchives for everything CW. Historical, specs, manuals and resale. It is all there.
A man visits the Doctors.
"Whats the problem" asks the doctor
The man explains"Since ive got up i cant stop silent farting,On the bus here 6 silent farts,In the waiting room i did another 4 silent farts and since i have been in here i have done 2 more silent farts"
"well" said the Doctor "the first thing we will do is Check your hearing"
Two golfers are enjoying a round when they get stuck behind a group of women. One of the women, half way through a putt, starts jogging into the woods. One of the blokes says to the other "That's the club president's wife! I bet she's going in the woods for a ****."
"No chance" says the other "She's a respectable bird!" So they head off quietly into the woods to have a look, and sure enough, there she is, the president's wife, crouched down curling out a steaming turd.
The first bloke grins smugly and says, "I bet 20 quid she leaves without wiping her arse." "Never! I'll take that bet"
So the first man shouts "Oi!!"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brother Willie is waiting for us.''
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This £20,000 piece of **** sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.
Now, this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realised what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back.
My ass crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonising water stops totalling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my bunghole was swollen shut.
I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable.
In the beginning when God was creating the world,
He was sitting on a cloud,
telling his pal the Arch Angel Gabriel
what he planned for Scotland.
" Gabby" says He "I'm going to give this place high majestic mountains, purple glens, soaring eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured nectar can be made, green, lush, spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea,...gas".
" Hold up! Hold up!"
Interjected the bold Gabriel
" Are you not being too generous to these Scots ? "
Back came the Almighty's reply
"Not really, wait until you see the
neighbours I'm giving them !!! "
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly.... It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ........
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out is keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .........still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
