Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?







A: Nothing. You already told her twice.

Edit: I have another joke that's depraved, vile and hilarious. Do you want me to tell it?

I went to buy a ticket on the train to go to France.
The agent said, 'Eurostar?'
I said, 'Well, I've been on the telly; but I'm no Dean Martin.'

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.

'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me- if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, 'He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry'

...UB..

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common? 
      Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
   Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or 
   more? 
    Sign says:"17 and under not admitted."
   What do you get when you have 32 Arkansas lawyers in the same room? 
      A full set of teeth.
    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas? 
      Everyone has the same DNA.
    Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down? 
      Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.


************ **


Letter 1


Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby


************ **


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

So he tore up the letter and started over.


************ **


Letter 2


Dear God,


This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like

A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.


Your friend,

Bobby


************ **


Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.


************ **


Letter 3


Dear God,


I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.


Bobby


************ **


Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.


************ **


Letter 4


God,


I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,


Bobby


************ **


Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.


Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.



Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.


He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.


He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.


Bobby began to write his letter to God.


************ **


Letter 5


God,


I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How about lunch? 

In order to maintain our friendship and/or business relationship, what do you think about the idea of gathering one day in the foreseeable future, at a time to be mutually set at or around twelve o'clock, in a dining establishment in which we will be able to engage in private, yet casual conversation while partaking in delicious nutritional goods, which will be served at our table in exchange for monetary compensation?

There's no pleasing some women!. I put up a bird table yesterday and my other half went mad.
I don't know why
I gave her 6 out of 10 which is more then fair !

What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
One is mad cow disease and the other is an agricultural problem!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

[quote="jaydog"]
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
quote]

Jaydog,

I think this was originally a military 'urban myth', as they don't fit UPS aircraft with 'Target Radar'

That would be a new twist to 'Mail Drop'

Rob

Good jokes my friends... I am glad I waited a couple days before checking in here. It still hurts to laugh but it was worth it.

-------How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little ****'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.





How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Nice one bro

Great One Jaydog!!! So close to the truth.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town he decided to test it on himself first.
So he inserted his manhood into the equipment,turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure then his wife did.When the fun was over he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his member.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.
He tried every button on the instrument without success.
Finally he decided to call the suppliers Customer Service Line with his mobile (Thank God for mobiles)
"Hello,I just bought a milking machine from your company.It works fantastic,but how do i remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry "replied the customer service rep."The machine will release automatically once it's collected 2 gallons"
Have a nice day!!!!!!!!!