Roger shouted to his neighbour Rick " Can you ask your dog to shut up . He has been barking non-stop for several hours . I have a severe headache from last nights drinking , and can't get any sleep " . Rick replied " I'm sure my dog will calm down as soon as you vacate his kennel ".

Why are ghosts such bad liars ?

Because you can see right through them .

Another of my sons jokes .

How much does it cost for a pirate to have he's ears pierced ?

A Buccaneer .

I once got a puncture in a place called Hindley Green near Wigan . I pulled into a garage and said , " Have you got an airline " he said " Feck off , we've not even got a bloody bus station .

Nelson and Villeneuve had a drink together before the battle of Trafalger.

As they rose to leave, Nelson said: "To the water, it is the hour!"

Villeneuve replied: "À l'eau, c'est l'heure!"

Amor Vincit Omnia wrote:Nelson and Villeneuve had a drink together before the battle of Trafalger.

As they rose to leave, Nelson said: "To the water, it is the hour!"

Villeneuve replied: "À l'eau, c'est l'heure!"

Bloke walks into a doctors surgery with jelly, cream and custard in one ear.

"What can I do for you?", asks the doctor. The bloke cocks his head and says "I'm sorry you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf"

News just in, an ice cream vendor has been found dead covered in hundeds and thousands, raspberry ripple sauce and chocolate flakes. Police say he topped himself.

The SAS, Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

First up – the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up – the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Rozzers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you…" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the ****!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I confess – I'm a rabbit!"

A couple has been married for 60 years. And to stay together for that long you have to be completely honest with your partner. So the husband and wife were very open, shared everything and didn't have any secrets from each other. Well, almost... The wife kept a shoe box in the closet, which she had asked her husband not to open or even ask about.

And the man never thought about the box in 60 years, until the day his wife got very sick. The doctor said she wouldn't make it. While trying to sort out their affairs, the husband took the shoebox to his wife's bedside and she agreed it was time for him to see what was inside. The man's eyes widened as he discovered $95,000 and two crocheted dolls in the box.

"When we were to be married," the old lady explained, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The husband was deeply touched, two dolls meant she was angry with him only twice in 60 years!

"Honey," he said after overcoming the emotions "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh, that?" the wife said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."